The practice of positive feedback
Throughout 2021, I have engaged in a number of workshops around the topic of feedback. What's powerful about that is I get to see, in short order, the reactions, responsiveness, and impact of the work that we’re doing.
There are so many areas of feedback conversations that pique my curiosity. One area, in particular, is positive feedback.
The skill of giving and receiving positive feedback is fascinating because our brains are wired to scan for the negative side of things — for threats. Because of that, we tend to diminish positive feedback both on the giving and receiving sides.
Here's what I mean.
When someone gives you positive feedback, it typically feels pleasant at the moment, but I'm not sure how much of it actually sinks in or registers. We might already know that we did something well, or we might know that we're strong at that particular something (e.g. the way you listen).
When we receive positive feedback about the things we are good at we tend to brush them off. You might even think it comes off as un-humble to accept the praise or to “toot your own horn.” But the truth is we really need to pay attention when people give us positive feedback for a couple of reasons.
One reason is that people are giving you positive feedback about the impact of a specific behavior or thing that you've done as it relates to them. And what that really means is that you have made an impression on them. Those impressions and effects can be carried to other people, too. So when we think about leadership and our impact on others, receiving and accepting that feedback gives more of us an opportunity to share that specific behavior and action with others.
Another reason to practice receiving positive feedback is because, when people give us praise, they might see something in us that we might not see as much in ourselves. If you're naturally good at something (e.g. you have natural people skills or strong presentation skills) you might take that for granted. That’s just what I do. Or I’ve heard this before (you might think). But other people who don't have those skills may look to you and see something special — a talent or strength. When they give you positive feedback, it's important to note it, register, and log it. When you register it, you may be more intentional about calling it out for yourself, and then again, sharing that impact on others.
Now let’s discuss the actual giving of positive feedback. There's been a lot of research around the importance of praise, and the reason this matters is for the exact reasons I shared on the receiving side: if you have something positive to say to somebody, say it! Because the recipient might not know the impact of your behavior, actions, or words.
We know this in parenting — we want to reinforce the positive behaviors that we see in our children. And to be honest, adults are similar. We have to go out of our way to help others understand the impact they're having on us, and giving that feedback is a gift even if the person is already familiar with it.
I can also share that giving positive feedback and praise is not easy for many people. I work with leaders who set daily goals around positive feedback (e.g. I will give one piece of positive feedback to a team member every day). The research is pretty clear around this as well — it takes a good amount of energy and effort to stay positive and give praise. Another reason why we need to practice receiving it: to acknowledge the effort and energy of the person giving it.
There are different frameworks and tools to use for giving positive feedback. But without question, the most important thing is to understand that we make assumptions about the praise that we give and receive. We might assume somebody knows this about themselves, so we feel we don't need to say it. We might assume that because something is natural for us, it’s less important to acknowledge and validate the gifts that we have.